The Hurt in My Soul
by aZn iD0L
Summary: The troubled past of the bitter Potions master is finally told...From when he was a fifth year student at Hogwarts, to his temptation to join a powerful, dark force...WIP.
1. prologue

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and it's characters belong to JK Rowling…obviously…Read and review, plz! (My other stories are lonely for reviews too, teehee…)

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**(prologue)**

It was raining hard. This year the summer weather was odd. But he didn't mind. He had nowhere to go even if the sun _was_ bright. He just sat, huddled in his room by the window.

The rain hammered against the pane, and it felt like it would go on forever.

His life was a never-ending nightmare. He couldn't remember when things had started to turn bad. And although things had been like this for who-knows-how-long, he didn't know if he could ever get used to it.

He didn't think he ever could never get used to the shouts…the tears…the pain…

It's not like he could just wish it all away. If he could, he would've done so a long time ago.

The rain continued to pound slowly against his window in that slow, monotonous rhythm.

He felt trapped, like he was confined to a small space with no room to move, no room to breathe. Everything felt out of place.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash. The boy turned his head towards the closed door of his room. A man was now shouting angrily and a woman's apologetic cries sounded throughout the wrecked house.

The boy turned his face back towards the window. He tried to ignore the screams of his father and the pleas of his mother, but they echoed in his mind.

Now there were more crashes. He guessed that his father was now shooting spells at his mother.

Crashing in the house…crashing of the rain…crashing inside his heart…

He wanted to run away. He wanted to grab a broom, fly back to Hogwarts, and never come back. But he was only fifteen. His father would send someone after him and he'd be in even more trouble. That was the last thing he wanted—to be in trouble. Especially by his father.

The boy wanted so much to go back to Hogwarts. Even though he was hassled and made fun of, anything was better than this wreck of a house and his wreck of a family. At least at Hogwarts, he was surrounded by other people and was able to immerse himself in his studies.

He continued to watch the raindrops slam into the window and as steadily as the rain fell, so did his tears.

At home, Severus Snape was alone.

**(end prologue)**


	2. chapter one

Disclaimer: Again, Harry Potter and it's characters belong to JK Rowling! Reviews are appreciated. :D

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**(chapter one)**

The rain had stopped a couple of weeks ago. It was around 9am and despite the fact that Severus had waken up at around 6 this morning, he had not eaten yet. Hiding in his bedroom was practically a ritual for him. Anything to avoid his father, at least. But he was hungry, and decided he should at least risk it. He had to get over his fears sometime, didn't he?

As he neared the kitchen, he heard his father's angry voice, which was not uncommon in the Snape household. He stopped and listened, hidden from sight.

"You're incompetent, ya know!" Dorian Snape was ranting at his wife. "Ya can't even find yourself a worthy job! For Satan's sake, you're a damn clerk at some damn store that doesn't even pay you enough! While I have to do all of the _real_ work! I earn all the money, I pay for all the bloody school crap that that boy of _yours_ needs! And _no one _appreciates that!" he yelled, knocking over something as he snarled out his last sentence.

Severus's mother, Cordelia, sat in silence. "But, even if it's not a lot, I still earn some money and at least we can get Severus nice school things," she said quietly.

_Slap!_

Severus flinched. Dorian had struck Cordelia across the face. "That boy doesn't have to have _nice_ things," he sneered. He raised his voice and continued, "What good will he ever be? Huh? He cowers constantly and hides out in his room all of the time!"

_Yeah_, thought Severus, _because I'm afraid of you_. Severus was upset now. How dare his father say all of those horrible things? And how dare he slap his own wife? _Well, I don't need his approval_, Severus told himself. _I don't…_

But he did. It hurt that his father hated him. Part of him wanted to retaliate and curse his father with Dark Magic, but he knew he couldn't. Partly because he wasn't that strong enough, but mainly out of fear.

Dorian and Cordelia were quiet for awhile, and Severus decided this would be a good time to get into the kitchen and then back out. His parents never acknowledged him anyways.

He wasn't that lucky this time though.

"You!" his father barked at him. "What are you doing? Sneaking around?"

"No," stuttered Severus. "I j-just wanted to-"

His father stood up abruptly. "Get outta my way," he fumed. He shoved pas Severus and stormed out of the room.

Severus was confused. Damn, he could never do anything right! He turned towards his mother who was sitting quietly at the table, not saying anything. "Mum?"

Cordelia looked up. "Severus, I'm tired. Just…go find something to do." And she too got up and left him standing by himself with an empty bowl on the counter in front of him. Severus shoved the bowl aside. He wasn't hungry anymore.

**(end chapter one)**


	3. chapter two

Disclaimer: Didn't you know? I'm actually JKR in disguise! Haha…no, just kidding…but I _do_ appreciate the reviews—Read on!

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**(chapter two)**

Severus and Cordelia arrived at King's Cross Station with minutes to spare. The Hogwarts Express was to depart in about 2 minutes and they had just made it. It had taken Cordelia a good amount of time to get it all together because she had just spent the past afternoon drinking heavy amounts of alcohol. Severus didn't say anything to her about it though, he didn't want her to get upset with him and then not take him to King's Cross.

"Okay," Cordelia said, her hands shaking and fumbling around for Severus's ticket. "You have all of your things, right? Now, uhm...Oh, yeah, write me an owl as soon as you get there, and—and do well in your classes and...Be careful."

Severus forced a smiled at his mum. "Thanks," he muttered. He turned around and ran through the barrier that led to Platform 9 ¾ as Cordelia watched him go.

As soon as Severus got onto the train, he went to one of the compartments in the back. He hated all of the usual crowds who got together and were happy. What was happiness anyways? Oh sure, all of his schoolmates were "happy" now, but soon there'd be something to drain it all from them. No one could be that freaking happy for so long. Not with what was coming…

Severus wasn't stupid or naïve. He had heard the news and read it in the papers. The ever growing prediction that evil was coming wasn't a joke. Hints were being dropped everywhere, the Daily Prophet reported. Something was coming and it was going to be huge...But what was he to do about it?

The train sped along and soon nighttime was falling.

Severus took out one of his schoolbooks and started to read. He was bored. There wasn't much else to do anyways. Just as he was getting to the chapter on kappas, the compartment door slid open.

"Well, well...If it isn't…_Snivellus_." Severus looked up and saw his two least favorite people: Sirius Black and James Potter.

Sirius and James were the show-off types. They were always the best at everything, whether it was Quidditch or schoolwork. And Severus hated that. But not only was there hatred...but jealousy. Severus was jealous. He wouldn't admit it though. That was the last thing he wanted to do. He wished the two would leave him alone so he could loathe them from afar. But it seemed that they made it a point to make him more miserable than he already was.

"I'm surprised you haven't been expelled yet, Snivellus. Isn't that greasy head of hair of yours a health hazard?" James sneered. Both boys laughed. Severus didn't want a crowd to gather or a big fight to ensue so he focused himself on reading.

"I think he's trying to ignore us," Sirius said loudly to James.

"No, I think his hair is sticking to his ears so he can't hear anything."

Before Severus knew what was happening, he was on his feet with his wand out. "Leave me alone."

Sirius and James were quick though. They too had their wands out, ready to retaliate with whatever Severus had to throw at them. All three boys stood there just staring at each other. "C'mon," James muttered, putting his wand away. He turned and started to leave.

"What?" Sirius asked incredulously.

Severus was caught off guard. Was this some trick to get him to lower his wand so they could attack?

"C'mon," James repeated. "We don't wanna get in trouble." And he walked away with a confused Sirius following. Severus sat down, feeling as if he had won some big battle.

Sirius Black and James Potter...Oh how Severus _hated_ them. They loved to pick on him. And the teachers often did nothing about it because they favored Sirius and James. Severus didn't want to deal with them anymore. _But why did they make it their life mission to make him feel miserable?  
_  
The Hogwarts Express was slowly nearing Hogwarts. _Well_, Severus thought as put his book away, _here goesfifth year..._

**(end chapter two)**


	4. chapter three

A/N: Bundimuns are, as _Fantastic Beasts_ says: A Bundimun looks like a patch of green fungus with eyes, although it does have numerous legs which it can use to move at speed when necessary. It is a parasite which infests houses and feeds on dirt. This is not a bad thing in itself, but unfortunately the creature also excretes a foul substance which rots its resident building and will cause it to collapse if left unchecked. It also gives off a violent smell of decay. Scouring charms are required to remove a Bundimun infestation.  
Read, and you shall find out why I've defined them…

And only one review so far? sniff…

Disclaimer: JKR owns all HP related material and I'm just a psychotic fan…read on! (PS, sorry the chapters have been kind of short…)

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**(chapter three)**

The Welcoming Feast had been delicious and the students were separating, all heading back to their respective dormitories. Severus had managed to avoid the scheming Black and Potter for most of the dinner, until he was leaving the Great Hall.

"So I reckon Slytherin'll be getting some new Quidditch players, then?" James Potter said loudly. He knew Severus could hear him.

"Sure," said Sirius, equally as loud. "They'll all be horrible, of course."

"Unless Snivellus here joins the team!" James said with mock enthusiasm.

"Yeah," scoffed Sirius. "Then they won't be just horrible, they'll be _really pathetic_!"

The people who had been standing around all laughed. They were used to the start-of-the-year insults against Severus.

Severus hurried past them all, angry that he hadn't stood up for himself and shot back with some witty comeback. He reached the Slytherin common room, gave the password, and entered.

"Well, well," said a drawling voice as he walked in. "Severus Snape."

Severus looked around and his eyes landed on Lucius Malfoy. Lucius was a pale, blond boy who was more clever, cunning, and wealthy than half of the students at Hogwarts. He was a popular Slytherin, and had exchanged few words with Severus over the past five years.

"Hello, Lucius," Severus replied cooly.

"It always amazes me what filth they let into this school," Lucius remarked. Severus felt himself freeze. Lucius gave a cold laugh at the look on Severus's face. "I meant Potter and Black." Severus relaxed and Lucius continued, "How _do_ you stand it, Severus? How do you stand to let them push you around like that? You're a _Slytherin_, does pride mean _nothing_ to you?"

Severus didn't know how to respond. He wanted to find a way to speak up for himself, but he also didn't want to make himself look like a fool in front of Lucius.

Lucius could sense this and he shook his head. "Ah, Severus, you disappoint me. Always worrying about what other people will think of you…" He got up and began to walk to the winding staircase that would lead up to the dormitories. "Think about it, Severus. If _you_ don't do something about it, then there'll be no one to stand up for you." Lucius walked off, leaving Severus in deep thought.

That was true…He needed to stand up for himself. Years of being quieted by his father had stifled his nerve. He wanted to make something of himself, to prove to them all that he could be _great_…_powerful…_

Severus shook his head and decided not to dwell on it. What was it he heard Dumbledore say once? _"The greatest wizards waste away just thinking of what they could be…Power can be more corrupt than you think, don't let youself be fooled…"_ He didn't want to be fooled by anything. But hadn't he read all of those reports? There would be a dark power rising. Which side would he want to be on?

He spent an hour thinking it over by the common room fire as people headed up to their beds, ready to begin their next day at Hogwarts. _Which side do you want to be on?_ the voice in the back of his head kept asking him.

Soon, he had dozed off and when he woke up, he found it was late into the night. He headed to his dormitory, not thinking about it anymore.

The next day, Severus went through his classes all right. He didn't find any trouble, and naturally he enjoyed Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions. He had managed to avoid trouble with Potter and Black until lunch—

Severus was walking across the grounds from the greenhouses back up to the castle when, in the bustle of people, he accidentally bumped into Sirius Black.

"Hey there Snivellus!" Sirius said in mock cheerfulness. He was with James and Remus Lupin. Severus always noticed that Remus was the quiet one while the other two taunted him, but then again, it didn't help when Remus, who was a prefect this year, didn't tell his two friends off. He seemed to find it as amusing as the others.

"Leave me alone, Black," Severus muttered. He tried to walk past them, but James blocked him.

"Look, Prongs, I think he wants to stand up to me," said Sirius in a fake whisper. He smirked and slapped a hand on Severus's shoulder, who was confused at why Sirius had called James _Prongs_. "Ah, Snivellus, Snivellus, Snivellus…" He shook his head. "You're a funny one." He lowered his voice and said maliciously, "Watch out for the Bundimuns." He winked and strode off with his laughing friends.

_Watch out for the Bundimuns?_ Snape wondered. What did that mean? He knew what they were, of course, but what did Sirius Black have to do with it?

Severus made sure the three were a good distance ahead of him before heading back up to the castle himself. Once in the Great Hall, he sat down among his fellow Slytherins and would every once in awhile join in their conversations about classes and Quidditch. At least there were _some _people who didn't mind to hear him speak.

Which is why it caught him off guard when Lucius Malfoy sat down across from him. All of his friends followed what he did and sat down around Severus too. Then they all continued lunch, speaking to him every so often, getting him to join in their rants and insults against other houses.

"That Potter—Always thinks he knows what he's doing. And it's all because the teachers favor him, just because he's some Quidditch star. He's not even that great on that broom of his. My father says—Hey," Lucius said, interrupting his rant. He wrinkled his nose. "What's the smell?"

The Slytherins could all smell it—a horrible odor was coming from somewhere along the table. And then they saw it. About a dozen Bundimuns were skittering from underneath the table where Severus, Lucius, and the others sat. Their many legs caused them to move quickly and soon they were all over the table. Several of the girls screamed, and others held their noses as they jumped up. Severus, too, jumped up with a look of disgust. He turned his head to the Gryffindor table in time to see Sirius, James, and Remus all laughing incontrollably and being patted on the back by other Gryffindors.

Professor McGonagall had come storming over to the Slytherin table by then. "_Evanesco!_" she said and the Bundimuns vanished. The stench was still there when Professor Kettleburn joined McGonagall in the chaos.

"_Scourgify!_" Kettleburn commanded and the stench vanished. Both professors headed back to the Head Table and the chaos died down. Over at the Gryffindor table, the three friends were still laughing. Severus wanted to point this out to McGonagall, have her do something about it, but he knew that there would be no consequences. Not with those three—Remus Lupin, prefect; James Potter, Quidditch star; Sirius Black, charming and brilliant.

Severus was about to send a curse back to the Gryffindor table when he noticed a small, round boy hurrying over to sit next to James. He knew that this boy's name was Peter Pettigrew. He had seem him around in classes and tagging behind the three popular Gryffindors. He never joined in the insults much, be he, like Remus, always found it hilarious. He was one of those boys who felt the need to prove himself also. Not many people liked him, but seeing as how he was friends with Sirius, James, and Remus, people tried to be as nice as possible to him.

Severus looked around at Lucius Malfoy and his friends, all sitting around him. Were they doing the same? Were they only being nice to him because Lucius was being nice to him? Would he end up being the Peter Pettigrew of Slytherin House? He shook the thought. What did it matter anyways?

"Anyways, so Sirius said…" a girl was saying as she walked past the Slytherin table to her friend. Severus stopped and watched them. The girl who had been talking was a short, dirty blond fifth year who was in Gryffindor. She had hazel eyes and was incredibly pretty. But that wasn't who Severus was really concentrating on. It was the girl next to her that he couldn't help but watch.

She was a couple inches taller than her friend and had shining, dark red hair that flowed down to her shoulders gracefully. Like her friend, she was also a fifth year Gryffindor. The girl was always smiling and laughing, showing off her brilliant smile. But what was most striking were her eyes…those emerald green eyes…Severus also knew she was a prefect. _Lily Evans_, he thought.

Why did he have to find her so attractive? She was a _Mudblood_…But he couldn't help himself. She was _stunning_.

The two girls sat down at Gryffindor table, far from the laughing crowd that surrounded Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter. Every so often the blond girl would sneak looks over at Sirius but Lily seemed to think nothing of them. Severus was glad for that. She wasn't another shrieking fangirl, at least.

James, however, constantly looked over at Lily, hoping to catch her eye. Severus thought this was pathetic. Here was the admired James Potter, star of everything and favorite of everyone, who couldn't even get the attention of a girl he fancied.

Severus would've thought this more amusing if he didn't feel the same way…

**(end chapter three)**

A/N: I don't hate the Marauders, honest! On the contrary, I absolutely LOVE them. I'm a "shrieking fangirl"…LOL…I just portray them this way in the story because this is supposed to be _Severus's _side of it all…

**EAPoeSpirit:** Thanks for the review!

Thanks for reading!


	5. chapter four

A/N: Remember that Snape doesn't know that Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter are called "the Marauders"…it makes it difficult for story writing though…

Disclaimer: I _wish_ I owned HP…and the Marauders…

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**(chapter four)**

Several months passed, filled with difficult O.W.L.-level classes, Quidditch matches (in which Gryffindor were now favorites for the Cup), and in Severus's case—avoiding the four Gryffindor boys who loved teasing him to the point of insanity. Even Remus was secretly helping Sirius with jinxes when the teachers weren't looking. It wasn't even like Severus could go to a teacher either. Who would they believe? Certainly not him…

Christmas holiday was coming closer and closer, and like every year, Severus signed up to stay at Hogwarts. He didn't want to go home. Why would he want to, not with the screaming, shouting, and insults that went on. Everywhere he went in Hogwarts, though, it seemed like everyone was excited to head home for the holidays. Severus felt a hole inside of him. He never really got to enjoy that kind of happiness because he had never known a home to return to during Christmas.

Much to his dismay, Sirius, Remus, and Peter (because Peter always did everything his three friends did) were all staying too. James hadn't signed up. Severus guessed he was going home to his "wonderful" family. But that was just one out of the four—the rest were staying. _Why?_ he thought miserably. _They must have perfect homes to go back to…why stay here? _For a brief moment, he thought he would have a couple of weeks away from them…_I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up._

It was the last day before the holidays were to begin and Severus was in the library. He had been finishing up his Defense Against the Dark Arts essay when he heard whispering from behind him. He turned his head slightly to see, through the gaps of a bookshelf that stood there, two figures talking. Curious, he scooted his chair back a little and found he could pick up on their conversation.

"Please? It hasn't been a problem before." Severus recognized that it was Sirius Black's voice. Sirius continued, "I just…don't want to be left here."

The other voice, which belonged to James Potter, replied, "Look, I'm sorry. I told you, my parents won't budge. We've got this huge family gathering this year for Christmas and my parents are really tense. They don't want me to bring back friends." There was a pause. "I'm sorry, Padfoot."

Another silence followed.

"At least Moony's staying, huh?" Sirius sighed. "You're lucky, you know? Your family actually _wants _you."

Severus gave a start. _What?_ Was he hearing this correctly? The charismatic Sirius Black was unwanted by his family? Why? It didn't make sense. And who was Moony? Severus thought it was childish for them to be using nicknames for each other. Is that why Sirius had called James "Prongs" the other day? And was that where Sirius was going for Christmas holidays for the past four years—to the Potters?

Madame Pince was walking around the library now, ready to kick out all ne'er-do-wells. Severus scooted his chair in and finished off his essay. After he packed up this things, he hurried out of the library to avoid Sirius and James.

Part of him was ecstatic—he now had something to use against Sirius! But the other part of him…What was that feeling? Was it pity? _No_, he thought firmly. _Why should I pity Black?_ Severus shook the thought from his head. There was no need for him to pity someone who hated _him_…

Severus was walking away from the library when he herad Sirius behind him, "Oy! Snivellus!" Sirius caught up with him. James wasn't with him. "I see you got rid of the Bundimun stench." Severus tried to ignore him and kept walking. Sirius stopped him. "You're staying at Hogwarts, aren't you? Well then, this year I'll be sure to send you an extra Christmas present!—I reckon you don't get any!" Sirius sneered.

Severus stopped. "I'm guessing neither do you, Black," he retorted, his cheeks starting to flush.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"You're not even _wanted_ back home," Severus continued. He found that once he started, he couldn't stop. "And this whole time, you were trying to appear popular by bragging about your _great_ Christmases—you don't even go to your own _home_! You have to go to Potter's filthy—"

Sirius had cut him off by slamming a fist into his stomach. Severus doubled over and Sirius whipped out his wand, pointing it at him.

"Don't," he said through gritted teeth, his face heated with anger, "insult my friends."

Severus knew he had hig a nerve, and even though he was on the ground in pain, he smirked.

Before either could do anything, a voice from the other end of the hallway called, "Hey, you two! What's going on down there?" It was Lily Evans.

This was not how Severus wanted Lily to find them—Powerful, cool Sirius Black, holding a wand at him while he was on the floor. He didn't want to appear weak, yet in this situation, he did.

Sirius tucked his wand away. "Ah, Prefect Evans! I was just teaching Snivellus here a few things."

Lily walked over towards Severus. "Are you alright?" she asked. Her stunning emerald eyes were filled with compassion. Severus saw it as pity, one thing he hated. He stood up quickly.

"I'm fine," he muttered, glaring at Sirius.

"It'll teach you not to insult my friends," Sirius said, annoyed.

Lily snapped her head to look at him. "You don't have to _hit_ him, you know!"

"He said about James—"

"Oh, don't even start that!" Lily said, exasperated. "You and James Potter are so _full of yourselves_!"

Severus smirked. "You gonna hit her too, Black?"

Sirius glared at both of them and then stalked off.

Lily turned back to Severus. "He's kind of an idiot sometimes, huh?" she asked, grinning. Severus shrugged and she continued, "I mean, he's popular, sure, but he's got a lot of things going on too." She lowered her voice. "He's not as arrogant as he seems, trust me."

Severus wanted to say something back, have an actual conversation, but instead what came out was, "I don't need you to defend me, Mudblood."

Lily stopped, her enchanting eyes now furious. She opened her mouth as to say something, but thought better of it and stormed away.

Severus hadn't meant to insult her like that. But his pride got in the way. He hated himself as weak, but he knew he was. That's what his father had pounded into him…_You're weak, Severus. Act like a man, Severus. _He had built himself a wall to deflect any kindness or sympathy that someone might show to him because if someone was sympathetic towards him, it meant he was obviously showing weakness. And that was a big "no" in Severus's mind.

_Wait_, thought Severus, as he headed back to the common room. _Why should I be grateful towards Lily Evans?_ True, he thought about her a lot in ways he probably shouldn't, but she _was_ a Mudblood. And if people like her started standing up for him, then he would be weak forever.

**(end chapter four)**

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A/N: Only 2 reviews?...TT I hope that if you're reading you'll give at least a little bit of feedback to if you liked it or not…pretty please? Thanks! 


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